Military service introduces unique challenges to relationships, as it often involves deployments, frequent relocations, and extended periods of separation. Recognizing the impact of these circumstances on military couples, clinicians from across Cohen Veterans Network offer their #1 relationship tips and strategies to help couples foster connectedness and strengthen their relationship as they manage the complexities of military life:
Initiate Shared Activities
Incorporating shared activities, even while apart, can help foster connectedness. For instance, reading the same book or watching the same movie or TV series separately, then discussing it, can create a sense of shared experience and closeness.
Better Manage Disagreements
Think of anger like a signal that something is important to you versus that you are right and your partner is wrong. Once you recognize you are angry, think about how to communicate what is important to you about the situation or issue without blaming the other person.
Try this: Think in terms of “I want to let you know why I’m upset/angry/frustrated” or “For me it’s an issue of…” versus “You did that wrong/handled it badly.”
Know How to Best Connect with Your Partner
Each partner in a relationship has an attachment style that shapes how they feel connected. Knowing how your partner feels most connected is key. For some, it is receiving a message of importance from their partner. Helping a partner feel important can involve being intentional about providing undivided attention. For example, putting your phone down, pausing tasks, and making eye contact while having conversations. Another way to connect is by helping your partner feel successful in the relationship. This could look like acknowledging their efforts and how they help you to feel happy, proud, and satisfied.
Communicate Effectively
Remember that even non-communication is communication. So, when you aren’t speaking, you are still saying something.
Show Appreciation
Acknowledging and appreciating the sacrifices and challenges each partner faces, whether it’s the one serving or the one managing things back home, fosters mutual respect and understanding, which are key to maintaining a strong, connected relationship despite the physical distance and challenges of military life.
Know Your Values
Know your values (how you want to behave or act as a human being) and approach dating and relationships with a mindset of finding someone whose values are consistent or complementary to your own. Do this: Use a values exploration tool so you can identify your top values. (Ex. Creativity, fun, kindness.) Discuss your values while dating to get to know one another. Remember that values aren’t “good”/“bad” or “right”/”wrong” – they’re just different.
Listen to Understand
Often, when our partner comes to us with an issue, we react by trying to solve the problem. But instead of acting, listen to understand. You wouldn’t go into a mission half informed! Listen to your partner to gather information so you can better understand how they are feeling. Try repeating back what your partner says to you to check for understanding. Such as, “Your point here is….”
Special thanks to therapists from Addison, Texas; Mililani, Hawaii; and Tampa, Florida, for contributing their #1 relationship tips!
For more additional Relationship Tips and Self-Care Strategies, visit cohenveteransnetwork.org/couples.